Snell triumphant, Brian at bay and Oliver outed: it's Christmas week in Ambridge

HAPPY NEW YEAR 

TO ALL OUR READERS! 

Echo hack defends ‘soft’ interview

The business editor of the Borchester Echo has pushed back at critics who accused him of ‘going easy’ on Brian Aldridge when he interviewed the new Borsetshire Businessman of the Year this week.

In the article, Mr Aldridge made several controversial pro-Brexit comments, saying that the European Union had treated farmers like children by telling them what to grow and where to grow it. But Christian Wvyer said he suspected Mr Aldridge was suffering from cognitive decline and didn’t want to distress him by challenging his more outrageous claims.

‘I began to worry when he said he didn’t mind being a figure of fun, as all my research suggested he’s a monster figjam,’ said Mr Wyver, who recently joined the Echo from the Lorrawonga Clarion in Western Australia. ‘And I got really concerned when he said his ambition was to feed a hungry world, as everyone knows he’s only interested in the big bucks.  

‘When we went into his office he clearly had no idea where he was, though his wife tried to cover for him by saying she’d tidied up. But when he said he was looking forward to the village panto, I knew he’d gone the full galah. I left the snapper to it and swiped the lemon and ginger cookies. I reckon shadowing him all year is going to be tougher than facing Mitchell Stark at the WACA.’

My Week, by Lynda Snell

It’s been quite a week for the unlikely star of Sleeping Beauty, whose performance as Fairy Carabosse thrilled the audience with her complex characterisation and knack with an improvised rhyming couplet. In this exclusive diary, the Artiste of Ambridge Hall shows us how it’s done:

Monday

What a delightful Christmas Day,

Leonie, James and Mungo came to stay.

At Midnight Mass, I made the time

To speak to Alan about the pantomime,

But when I said we were under-rehearsed,

To be honest, he was rather terse.

It’s plain to see that even my llamas  

Have more idea about directing drama.

Wednesday

An unexpected call today –

Tony Archer rang to say

He was having trouble milking goats!

I said ‘Tony, I’ll get my coat.’

At Bridge Farm, I put Pat at ease,

Advising her not to pull, but squeeze.

I said: ‘Pat dear, I think you’ll find

It’s easier to go in from behind.’

Bless them – they were so relieved,

They’re naming their nannies after me!

So Lynda and Scarlett they will be,

(Father was a fan of Vivien Leigh.)

Friday

At last it’s clear to those who doubt me,

There is no pantomime without me!

Jazzer and Harrison tried to faze me,

But found that they could not upstage me,

I made up speeches on the spot

To foil their naughty little plot. 

And critics said my Carabosse

saved the show from being a dead loss!

Writing, directing, acting – wow,

I feel the muse upon me now.

Ambridge, you ain’t seen nothing yet –
Lynda Snell is a triple threat!

New Year Charity Appeal

Do you know someone who wanted to be alone this Christmas? Someone like Oliver, for instance: an elderly widower who longed to spend the day in his luxury hotel suite, scoffing liqueur chocolates and listening to Italian opera in memory of his beloved late wife. But Oliver’s wish was not to be. Instead, he was dragged to a raucous family party where he was forced to drink strong cider at 10am, eat an enormous lunch and play endless games of Twister, which at his age could have resulted in a trip to A & E quicker than you can say ‘slipped disc’.

Don’t let Oliver, and others like him, suffer next Christmas! A donation of £50 will be enough to post a guard at their door, to deter friends from staging well-meaning interventions and to preserve the digestion, dignity and best trousers of those whose Christmas wish is simply for peace and quiet. Thank you.  

Christmas Gift Swap Shop

Did Santa not get the hint? Exchange your unwanted presents for something more suitable via our new readers’ forum:

• Dreamcatcher and book on mindfulness. Will exchange for a 20 bore shotgun and cartridges. Also, will swap my mother for someone who gets me.  Contact: Noluthando Madikane, c/o Home Farm. 

• Bottle of single malt whisky (opened). Happy to swap for someone willing to be a surrogate for our baby, now we know Adam's firing on all cylinders, fertility-wise. Contact: Adam and Ian, Honeysuckle Cottage.

• Bath salts, cookery book and new fleece. Perfectly nice, but you feel so guilty when those poor homeless people at The Elms have nothing, don’t you? Will swap for a hair shirt and a book on making goats’ cheese. Contact: Pat Archer, Bridge Farm.