Lexi’s back, a new blow for Brian and Ambridge rallies round

‘We should have done more…’ Villagers on tragic mum’s death

Regrets and recriminations were being voiced in Ambridge this week as villagers struggle to come to terms with the sudden death of Nic Grundy.

‘I could have done so much more,’ said Gemma Hawkins. ‘I took the Grundys some chocolate biscuits and a packet of sausage rolls – just to be friendly. But when I got there, you could hardly see the kitchen for food. And it was all home-made and organic. I was so embarrassed, I fed the sausage rolls to Holly the dog and left.’

Sabrina and Richard Thwaite, of Grange Spinney, said they were ‘traumatised’ when they brought some early daffodils from their garden, only to find Greenwood Cottage ‘decked out like the Flower & Produce Show'. ‘Sabrina tripped over a huge basket of tropical fruit from Justin Elliott,’ said Mr Thwaite. ‘Really, some people have no sense of proportion. It’s not as if the Grundys know a papaya from a pineapple.’

‘That poor little girl, Poppy,’ said a family friend who asked not to be named. ‘She’s been brought up on fish fingers and chicken nuggets, and now they’re making her eat venison pies, chickpea soup and Carol Tregorran’s special casserole. It’s cruel, when she’s just lost her mummy.’

Fresh troubles beset Home Farm

Brian Aldridge, beleaguered owner of Home Farm, faced a new setback this week as the fallout from the contamination at Low Mead continues. Local tech start-up Pryce Baumann has pulled out of field trials of a pioneering crop sensor system that were due to take place on Home Farm’s arable land this Spring, citing the risk of reputational damage.

The decision was a double blow for the family as the trials were brokered by Brian Aldridge’s daughter Alice Carter, who works for Pryce Baumann.

‘It is obviously disappointing, but I am confident we will soon find another partner to work with,’ said Mr Aldridge. ‘It would be quite different if I had anything to reproach myself for. If, for example, I knew about the dumped chemicals 40 years ago and had kept quiet ever since. That would be dreadful. If it were true. Which it isn’t. Not at all.’

However, insiders at Pryce Baumann hinted there was more to the decision than the contamination scandal. ‘The bosses have lost faith in Alice Carter,’ said one. ‘She’s a moody cow with a drink problem and they worry she wouldn’t be able to hack it. Simple as.’

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is back to advise on all your practical and emotional dilemmas!

Dear Auntie Satya,

My girlfriend is preparing for a surrogate pregnancy and has told me that nookie is off the menu now that she’s had her coil out. I wouldn’t have spent so much time vacuuming the house if I’d known. When I said Little Roy would be disappointed she laughed and said we have to be more sensual and imaginative. Does she mean picturing Aston Villa being promoted to the Premiership? That always gets me going. Or do you have any other tips?  Roy.

Dear Roy,

You seem to be conducting your romantic life in a very idiosyncratic way that is beyond my experience or, frankly, understanding. But if you find yourself troubled by desires that you cannot satisfy, I would recommend taking up a vigorous hobby such as cross-country running or kick-boxing. This is the advice I always give to my niece Usha during Lent and she says it has saved her marriage to the Revd Alan Franks.

Dear Auntie Satya,

Last week I gave a dinner party for my son Adam, Lexi, the young – well, youngish – woman who is to be surrogate mother to his child, and Lexi’s partner Roy. I prepared a meal rich in vitamins and minerals, perfect for the pre-pregnancy diet, as I told them all in detail. But to be honest, conversation was rather sticky. Usually, Roy can’t get enough of my hot and fruity puddings. But he said if he couldn’t give Lexi one, he didn’t want any. And when I mentioned that Adam’s sperm sample was perfectly healthy, he gave a low moan. Do you think Roy was unwell? Or was my seating plan at fault? Jennifer.   

Dear Jennifer,

Your situation is delicate, and would challenge the most accomplished hostess. In your longer letter, you tell me you overheard Roy tell Lexi that he wanted steak but was having to make do with a pasty. Next time, why not experiment with some unusual pasty fillings – tuna and strawberry, duck and Stilton, or lamb and marmalade – and see if you can tempt him with those? Even if he doesn’t like them, you will have a lively talking point that is not semen-related.

Dear Auntie Satya,

I’m having a baby and although the pregnancy was unplanned I’m very excited about becoming a mum. But my life has already changed so much. I can’t help with the lambing or calving, and just couldn’t make up my mind about the best choice of milking parlour for our farm: New Zealand 20/40, rotary or herringbone with rapid exit technology. When the baby arrives, do you think I’ll forget how to be a farmer? Pip.

Dear Pip,

No, I am afraid not.

Public announcements

William Grundy would like to thank his family, friends and neighbours for their love and support following the tragic loss of his beloved Nic.

Except for Joe Grundy, who’s a foolish, selfish old man who shouldn’t have been there in Nic’s last moments.

And Brian Aldridge, who shouldn’t have made Will go to the meeting with the Farndale guns when he could have got home and spent time with Nic.

And Emma Grundy, who shouldn’t have lost Nic her job.

And Fallon Rogers, who shouldn’t have offered Nic work so she was rummaging through that old crate and cut herself.

And everyone else William hasn’t talked to yet but will find a reason to blame them when he does. And God. Thank you.