Village hails historic peace deal!

Triumph for diplomacy at The Stables

The Ambridge community hailed a ‘new era of peace and co-operation’ this week, as Alistair Lloyd moved back under the same roof as his wife Shula.

‘It came completely out of the blue, and was a masterstroke of diplomacy by Dan Hebden-Lloyd, who persistently told his parents they needed to decommission their arsenal of cold put-downs and angry retorts,' said a neighbour.

The thaw began early last Sunday, with the ceremonial handover of an orthopaedic pillow, seen by Lloyd-watchers as an important symbol of détente. The exchange took place at Jim Lloyd’s house and was accompanied by a fanfare of Jazzer’s snoring and Jim Lloyd playing a cheeky two-hander with Madame Kiki, his strict piano teacher.

Mr and Mrs Hebden-Lloyd, who had not spoken civilly for several weeks, then attended a summit held over the sedated body of Sintra, a favourite mare of Alistair’s, who had gone down with spasmodic colic.

‘Shula and Alistair discussed their first date while he listened to Sintra’s gut noises,’ said a member of staff. ‘Shula said he was calm and masterful but Alistair said he regretted missing his squid risotto when he was called away to deliver a calf. Then Sintra farted mightily and it was clear she was going to be OK. It was quite romantic.’

A communiqué issued by the couple (via Susan Carter) stated: ‘We have consciously re-coupled, but not in that sort of way as Shula wishes to keep her options open. We would appreciate some privacy while we restock the freezer and work out the washing-up rota in the challenging weeks ahead.’

Missing person reported in Ambridge

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) has asked residents to be on the lookout for a woman who has been reported missing in the Ambridge area.

The woman, known only as Olwen, was last seen flouncing out of Bridge Farm last week, after staying with Pat Archer.

‘Olwen has been through hard times and was living in her car before staying briefly with Mrs Archer,’ said PC Burns. ‘She may be vulnerable, although to be honest it is hard to tell, as she can be hostile if approached.’

PC Burns said Mrs Archer would like to know that Olwen is safe and well, and her daughter Helen would like to know where Olwen is so she can stay out of her way.

‘If you see Olwen, please ask her to call 101 and let police know she is safe, or if she needs help,’ he said.’ But don’t expect any thanks for it.’

Your week in the stars

What does fate hold in store for Ambridge residents? Our resident astrologer Janet Planet reveals the secrets of the stars:

Gemini

Beware, freedom-loving Geminis! Jupiter, the wealth planet, is rising in your house and suggests you will be focusing more on flexible access drawdown and ISA rates than pubs and gigs. But resist the temptation to bin those financial leaflets. Pensions talk from a loved one is only his way of telling you he wants to grow old with you!

Cancer

Venus, planet of fertility, went retrograde last week, spelling disappointment for those who hope to become parents. But don’t let this opportunity to talk about your feelings slip. If you are having doubts about the future, it is not fair on your partner to hide in the polytunnels or pretend to be cleaning out the fruit pickers’ caravans.

Scorpio

Scorpios are nothing if not determined, and your plans to save your family business with a bold disposal of assets are set to bear fruit at last. But do not expect everyone to understand why you felt you had to sell the family home and move everyone into yurts.

Capricorn

Socially-aware Capricorns will face a moral dilemma this week. Should you support your children, who want to teach middle-aged ladies how to make cheese and possibly expand into charcuterie? Or should you heed the departing words of your homeless friend and break out of your comfortable organic bubble? With Mars the planet of war in the ascendant, there could be sleepless nights ahead…  

From the message boards

This week we drop in on the AmTeens Forum, to see what’s got the younger members of our community chatting online..

Hey guys, sorry I’ve not been in Ambridge much. I’m staying with my dad and his girlfriend Ellie and to be honest I prefer it. Having to go to the burial ground every other day freaked me out. I don’t want to think about my mum under there. And Will is acting really weird: buying me trainers, getting granny Clarrie to make me pizza. He never bothered much before Mum died. JakeyG.

Hi Jake, it’s tough – I remember from when my dad died. But just chill and let them keep buying you stuff. Always worked for me. DJFreddie.

Freddie – what are you doing on here? You’ve only got two hours’ revision time left before I test you! Lily.

OK, OK – guys, did I tell you I’m doing this really cool thing? Lily showed me – it’s called a book. You read it, make a few notes – and suddenly you can understand an exam paper. Who knew? DJFreddie.

Who do I get to hang with then? It’s soooooo lame here. Pip keeps going on about stretch marks and baby showers, and Josh is always on the phone trying to flog his piles of old junk. And Gran is so worried about Aunty Shula and Uncle Alistair she can’t stop making flapjacks, and I don’t like them.  BoredBen

Sorry Ben – look, why don’t I come over and we can play a few games? DJFreddie.

FREDDIE!!!! Lily.